Posts tagged ‘leaving’

August 11, 2015

Epiphany at a U Slam Event

To my astonishment
there was none—

people were content
with old formulas
and bad news.

The “best poet I know”
spoke there.

It was a real treat.

***

Knowing that,
I can sleep a lot, a lot easier.
Yawn.

Advertisements
June 11, 2014

Meaning

An anomaly
A puzzle
A quizzical notion,
-Enigma.

Light, dark, grey
Flesh opens to blood-stains and pains

Once wrapped taught around
Up top
A brain

Eyes,
A Nose that drains

Hands and feet,
Legs below

Born, an age
Names and clothes

Hair follicles misplaced; misshapen displays.

We make ourselves in better ways,
-But in better ways than what?

Big Bang:
-Molecules; me and you.

Fate;
Naysayers claim a choice to choose.

The Bible too…
It was made of something.

Paper, ink, think-thought, present moments, caught or lost—
That’s the idea.

Dare do take part,
Now,
How did it start?

August 21, 2013

When I am Gone/Blue Moon

When I am Gone,

By Terry Scott Niebeling

 

When I am gone think of my face with bright eyes and a contagious smile-think for a while.

 

When I am gone know that I am still near the Mississippi River.  I am in each village, town, and city, respectively.  La Crescent, La Crosse, and Minneapolis-truly.

 

My thoughts will be more resilient than mortality.

 

When I am gone I am actually with you.

Don’t remember me for the things I did, but for the things I do-pleasant memories.

 

 

 

When I am gone you are actually with me too.

And when I am gone know that this is the beginning; we are not through.

 

When I am gone just know that I love you.

And when I am gone know that I know you love me too.

 

All comfort, it is true.

 

When I am gone make every enemy friend.

And when I am gone smile and make amends, because all your thoughts make you.

 

***

Blue Moon,

By Terry Scott Niebeling

 

In the end, when we are all through-said and done, look up in the sky and remember the Moon is a Hologram.

Made by those on earth to feel better about being alone in the universe.

Don’t ask why

However, I am still with you.  So fear not.

Standing right by your side.

December 28, 2012

Christmas Train

On a train, in a lounge car, somewhere outside Winona Minnesota…

Thinking about moments and soda-and who is over my shoulder.

 

Another locomotive passes by; sound and light.

A moonless night shows no river.

 

Shrug off the thoughts, they don’t exist.

Shrug off the lost, its old business.

 

Traveling companions take a glimpse of what is, reflect and walk on.

 

No business on a trip like this.

 

Crumpled and out of place, like a Christmas wish list on the 26th.

 

The land speeds by, invisible to the eye.

 

What happened where I sit?

Did they learn from it?

Were they burned from it?

Was it realized?

 

The things we leave behind.

Out of sight, slightly out of mind.

 

Answer the question:

Affection is feeling not leaving.

 

I left on a train after dusk.

Winter days, winter months.

 

La Crosse is just lust, and what you find while looking for flesh.

Nothing meaningful, sometimes regret…

 

Most inhabitants always get wet.

 

Seething and hateful-

Girls are so graceful.

 

So on, move on.

Bygones be gone.

 

We don’t see each other.

We see what is right in front of us.

 

I see empty seats and a few people reading.

Cans at my feet, chewed nails start bleeding.

 

Other people laugh as they drink and carry on.

 

I think, time to kick the habit.

As I travel through time…

 

The train shakes, rattles, and bounces along.

 

 

 

 

October 12, 2012

AM Minneapolis (Before Five in the Morning)

Shaken from slumber by the semblance of an early morning dance.

The darkside of a lunar wane exposed; the heavens stretch forever as our necks bend to accommodate our vantage.

 

Scratched backs, cars drive by as I imagine their muffled sound in the future snows.

They remind me of thoughts from the past.

 

Black but blue, the shades of everything at this time seem new.

Coffee is a distant thought, breakfast is truly morning food at this time, moments are lost.

It is before 5 am and I do rule this city.

Boss.

 

All is fleeting faster in the vast darkness.

I ride down Franklin thoughts of yelling Powerderhorn, or Southside!

 

She says I need brighter bike lights, she doesn’t mention my intellect.

Off to support, the girls, the ladies, the babies.

 

We don’t know, she can’t go.

She did.

 

Met yesterday and spent the night in it.

Met yesterday near Chicago as she exited the bus.

 

Looked for a blond, but I found a brunette.

Surprise-surprise.

 

Minnesota desolate, again, the end of summer hinting of fall and enlightenment.

Leaves stripped from trees to come, forgetting of the heat, lying in the slum.

Pulling the AC out as if removing a splinter.

Ready for winter.

 

From before, I stand in front of her door on the sidewalk as she rides away.

Days are number, I guess that is true for all of us.

 

Getting along like no other, forgetting reality as lovers.

Good food and good preparation, the beauty of aggression transpired temptation…

No agitation.

 

Few on bike, some with heads down, a couple of nods.

Most are nodded off.

 

People walking, small talk, sharing little light and little thought.

The cool breeze reminds me of my thoughtfulness as I pull out a coat.

 

Certainly we must think ahead.

Or think again.

Or we just don’t.

 

He and she look for release, coming back from vacation I sit down and listen with patience.

I realize everything I need is here, I suppose that is anywhere and everywhere I go.

 

She says I am so one sided, I tell her I just don’t see it that way.

 

My thoughts run, a week ago my thoughts menaced my days.

No more tears, just happiness for what is near.

 

She left and came back, like the bird with the olive branch, like that story about a dove.

Life happens, but when it happens think less hate and more love.

 

This summer is naught only for loss, like live and let go.

I built a fire on the beach, I came to drunk on your porch while you kissed me.

However, you know.

 

Those  stars we saw earlier  that day next to the moon were Jupiter and Venus.

 

Momma’s got the squeeze-box and Daddy never sleeps at night.

You had me singing Here Comes the Sun before day break.

 

You were my guide, leading me to the bus with frosted windows on the journey home.

You sat in the grass smoking cigarettes in the sun, while milling over my finances and telling me everything would be okay.

 

Daily thoughts are of you.

That is how I make my way.

September 6, 2012

Everyday New

A new life; new walls, new people, all involved.

 

Walk small, walk tall, and most of all don’t fall.

 

All inside, now clean it out.

All about, now go without.

What have we left?

 

Just one phone call-

 

We had a small portion of a six pack left and a moderate buzz, which was more like a hangover.

 

Whatever it is we will throw it away.

 

Like a new day.

Like a new tomorrow.

On a new track.

Hold back.

 

Burn the rest.

Burn it to the filter.

Burnt out.

The rest is filler.

 

The fire smoldered until vanquished by lack of accelerant.  The light was heaven sent, yet I was spent in a moonlit residence.

 

A different location, more pretty girls.

Locomotive at the station.

A different world, we notice

We notice more.

 

Choo-Choo.

 

A new life just ten blocks up and down.

Homeward bound, lost and found-to hear the sound of a familiar voice.

 

She cried when she left, I left with that…

I cried before and held my breath.

 

I tried but couldn’t die.

 

Friends lost in sorrow, we borrow…

We mourn, we are bored.

We take all in suspicious tolerance and then ignore.

 

That day was so bright, we almost couldn’t let go, but you had to.

You had to.

The grass is greener.

You had to.

 

And then you did.

 

There is nothing new under the sun; there is no originality, only authenticity, especially in this city.

Sadness and smiles have been around all the while.

This is not special.

 

Yet, we hardly notice things we hardly notice.

 

The sunshine was brighter in the loss, Bosnian (the language) seemed fathomable and old-fashioned-she said, “Fuck off Mother.”  I said, “I am not your brother, I am just here for the money.”  She said, “Lovely, now get back to work, Honey.”  I think we had it mixed up a bit, but I kept working. I looked at her crossly as I picked up the broom.

 

And then…

 

I took off.

Like a rocket.

Punch.

On to the next big everyday situation.

 

August 26, 2012

End Scene: V.V.

Entities in an establishment longing for one another, undercover of foresight, she’ll be back in a fortnight.

Encased in white, encased by mother and brother.

 

Liquor and culture about; a jovial spread.

 

Eyes locked, avoided for the most part, pondering a predicament; this angel is heaven sent.

As not to draw attention, unwanted suspension of situation.

 

Something to mention.

Something to mention.

 

We wait…

 

Ducking down to create a sense of loss.

We did this before, a few hours back.

Hardly an instance of thought is put into the sleep that was lost.

 

The moments harden and crack to black.

Sat back and relaxed in the past.

 

Eyelids as rusted metal; oil maintenance is a necessity posthaste.

 

I am gone only but from the trivial times, coming out from the galley.

She has left-

 

Left me a souvenir, a created past; empty glasses on the table, plates removed by the able.

Staff wipes the evidence into a stained bleach-soaked towel.

Napkins rest crumpled with DNA of my lover, true fable.

 

Never before has there been such an intelligent and learned listener, empathy for we…

Empathy, you see.

 

Gone.

 

Rush out to the floor to observe what was before.

(Has this been the last sight I will see of her?)

 

Praying she hasn’t passed the doorway.

I explore.

 

Hands splayed at the side like a madman, but calculated.

I have two occupations presently.

 

Find her.

 

Straight ahead and to the right, she does the same but to the left.

She has not the latter.

 

Across the room, and we lock eyes again for the last time.

As she is looking for me.

 

Smile as long as the Nile.

True glee.

 

I raised an arm and opened my mouth as if to say, “Love!  Don’t forget, don’t go just yet.”

There is a lot to do, us two.

 

She ran back, as I, we met half way.

A hug, a kiss, and this I think of today.

 

She sits on a plane…

I watched her walk away.

 

 

July 30, 2012

Read this in September 2007

A door shuts.

She walks up.

Look, stare.

No big deal.

The temperature is nice, but it holds no entendre.  

Shuffling towards one another, precarious bags in hand.

The last time.

The only time.

The most important thing to remember.

This time.

Scanning the horizon for a comet; hoping, praying that this moment you share is eternity.  

What was it like again?

Like:

The calls.

The empty promises.

5 years of love.

We maligned each other, both, but what of it now?

It is really unimportant, because we are a single subject.

Experiences are better when they are experienced with a loved one, but I doubt it counts when leaving relations.  

Hint:

Hint of depravity; a social entity with no other facet.

Black and white; straight-line logic.

Weed out the grey-

This is the only way.

What happens today, happens.

Haven’t checked the planner in weeks, time keeps moving on and no one notices.  

What we feel:

It stays.

We don’t.

You envision what might happen, but after that moment there is nothing.

Left with just that.

-Just that and a thought-

Rigidly stuck to a plan, over and out.

We talk, yeah…

10-4, over and out.

We used to touch, take in, and cop feels.

Now that is in a field, buried under years of dust, dirt, and debris.

All stuff.

What was.

All that lot of what doesn’t really change or affect, the change in effect.

Effective, but… f u c k it.

All that confidence for nothing, this can’t be trained.  

An Eternal embrace, and then its over.

A car rolls out, and away in the distance.

You are in a car of your own but its crashing.  That car is your mental status.

You stand, taking in the sound, sight, and smell of things.

Hold your breath in deep, sigh, its a nice night anyway.

The sun may look beautiful, the sky may be a brilliant blue.  Evening.  Clouds, many colors of the spectrum float above an all important sinking orb.

It has no meaning to you.

It has no meaning to you.

You think of one thing.

We may not be this close again.

Distant, like traveling abroad, but there is a line.

Still, the line is drawn.

Stated.

Overstated.

Underestimated.

Lost it.

Nothing could make it better.

You can’t fix the best.

-Winning the lottery, even success-

Nothing is better.

The loss is deeper than either.

You were a king, looking over your land-missing all the wonderful assets that rested just below your perch.

Laughing, you drank and disparaged your own, only to be lost and alone without them.

Criticizing the smallest flaw, but praying for its return after being bettered for aesthetics.

The insignificance of normalcy; detailed happenings that will play out, over and over again in your head.

As a pall-bearer walking toward stones, as the last conversation unfolds.  There will be a taste in your mouth. That is when you will know something is happening.

You understand.

In the pit of your stomach.

Now you understand.

On the verge of vomit.

The traces of trash, and ash, of self you left strewn about the room.

They loom.

Just things you don’t forget.

Tears stop, and after, your grace is replaced by a void.

Shadows that were, will hang at dusk and exist at sunrise as you were.

Sitting there, reminding you, waiting.

Lights-out will be a solemn and silent affair when it is realized that you are not there.

The walks we took, it is just me.

The places we would frequent, it is just me.

The movies, the books, and the lakes we sat, now, truly, it is just me.

So far from home, but you are at yours.

Eyes-look at the eyes.

Hard to focus on the details again.

Blackened sockets.

Squinting-shaking, failed attempt at holding it together.

Deep breaths again, wishing for pure-raw yet tamed emotion.

Animal instincts, but animals don’t  shed tears.

Green eyes, lit brilliantly with curiosity and surprise outlined with a fine dark pencil.

Clear and honest inside.

Waitress-“You are who you are.”

Me-“I know.”

She witnessed.

Something you don’t see regularly.

And it is goodbye.

Like I will be right back.

Scary movie.

Like see you later.

Abduction in the early 90’s.

Lay together in the sack.

Special features.

Quick retriever.

What we had, be happy for.

At times forget.

Everyone tells you things are better off.

But you can’t forget.

Everyone doesn’t deal with this daily.

Time flies when you are having fun, but the clock doesn’t run when what we had is done.

Solitude, solid chair, Big Ter, fixated, and agitated.

Excited, every minute.

Inching closer.

Closer to the inevitable.

I hope we don’t die, never to meet again.

My friend.

My friend.

I have done nothing like this before.

They call, they say they miss what we had.

Its different, as much as we don’t want to realize.

The change is noticed and what is noted most is melancholy.

The phone keeps ringing.

Fit for folly.

Smile, ride out on the punch line.

Nothing to smile about, apparently, close to a breakdown.

A smile is a frown if it is practiced.

Watching movies on the couch, playing solitaire in thought.

We used to lie together, love, fight, discuss, and borrow each other to never give back.

But you do take that with you when you leave.

But what you got might make you sore.

Even remembering as you walk through the grocery store, like she was right here, recently.

Chores to keep eating.

No longer yours.

No escape.

Might make it hard to swallow.

Might make the memories flood in.

New friends, new times, new experiences, but what about us?

The end is like the beginning; like before we didn’t meet, like after we don’t meet again.

What is to miss if it didn’t exist?

And I miss this moment, and the next, and the next, and the next….

And you…

And I remember the color of the car driving out and away with you in it.  I could smell fall coming as the wind blew against my   face.  I knew I was in for a cold winter.  I thought…

November 13, 2011

Leave It All Behind

Just quit whatever inhibits you.  Quit your job.  End your relationship.  Just leave it all.  There is something better and new around the corner.  Trust me.  Believe in yourself and leave.  Leave it all!  And smile while you do it.